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--- rag_mag_jokes [2018/12/08 12:49] – created 0.0.0.0
+++ rag_mag_jokes [2024/10/04 12:41] (current) – external edit 127.0.0.1
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-====== Rag_Mag_Jokes ======
+A farmer walks into the house with a duck under his arm\\
+He goes into the kitchen and says "This is the pig I was telling you about"\\
+His wife looks at him as says "Idiot, that's a duck not a pig"\\
+Farmer says "I was talking to the duck"\\
-Q: What's green and wears boots?<br />
+A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.\\
-A: Grass. I lied about the boots<br />
+The bartender says "What the fuck's that?"\\
-<br />
+The frog said "Well it started out as a boil on my ass"\\
-Q: What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors?<br />
-A: A nun with a spear through her head<br />
+My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side\\
-<br />
+So I crashed the car\\
-Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?<br />
-A: Doug<br />
+Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?\\
-<br />
+A: A carrot\\
-Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?<br />
-A: Douglas<br />
+Q: What's green and wears boots?\\
-<br />
+A: Grass. I lied about the boots\\
-Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?<br />
-A: Bob<br />
+Q: What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors?\\
-<br />
+A: A nun with a spear through her head\\
-Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?<br />
-A: Russel<br />
+Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?\\
-<br />
+A: Doug\\
-Q: What's the height of pain?<br />
-A: Sliding down a razor blade and using your bollocks as brakes<br />
+Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?\\
-<br />
+A: Douglas\\
-Q: What's the height of cheek?<br />
-A: Pissing through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking how far it went<br />
+Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?\\
-<br />
+A: Bob\\
-Q: What's the height of cheek?<br />
-A: Crapping through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking for some toilet paper<br />
+Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?\\
-<br />
+A: Russel\\
-Q: What do you call a man with a bird of prey on each shoulder doing the cleaning at night?<br />
-Hawk kestrel man hoovers in the dark<br />
+Q: What's the height of pain?\\
-<br />
+A: Sliding down a razor blade and using your balls as brakes\\
-Q: What's red, sits in the corner and cries?<br />
-A: A baby eating razor blades<br />
+Q: What's the height of cheek?\\
-<br />
+A: Pissing through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking how far it went\\
-Q: What's black and white and re(a)d all over?<br />
-A: A newspaper<br />
+Q: What's the height of cheek?\\
-<br />
+A: Crapping through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking for some toilet paper\\
-Q: What does a spastic make in metalwork?<br />
-A: Friends<br />
+Q: What do you call a man with a bird of prey on each shoulder doing the cleaning at night?\\
-<br />
+Hawk kestrel man hoovers in the dark\\
-Q: What do you call a leper in a bath?<br />
-A: Porridge<br />
+Q: What's red, sits in the corner and cries?\\
-<br />
+A: A baby eating razor blades\\
-Q: How do you stop a <insert ethnic minority here!> from drowning?<br />
-A: Take your foot off his head<br />
+Q: What's black and white and re(a)d all over?\\
-<br />
+A: A newspaper\\
-Why do Indian women have a red dot on their forehead?<br />
-A: "You're not living next to me (prodding motion)"<br />
+Q: What does a spastic make in metalwork?\\
-<br />
+A: Friends\\
-Q: What's pink and stands in the corner?<br />
-A: A naughty pig<br />
+Q: What do you call a leper in a bath?\\
-<br />
+A: Porridge\\
-Q: How do you get four elephants in a Mini?<br />
-A: Two in the front and two in the back<br />
+Q: How do you stop a <insert ethnic minority here!> from drowning?\\
-<br />
+A: Take your foot off his head\\
-Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?<br />
-A: Four footprints in the butter<br />
+Why do Indian women have a red dot on their forehead?\\
-<br />
+A: "You're not living next to me (prodding motion)"\\
-Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your fridge?<br />
-A: Eight footprints in the butter<br />
+Q: What's pink and stands in the corner?\\
-<br />
+A: A naughty pig\\
-Q: How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge?<br />
-A: There's a mini parked on the driveway<br />
+Q: How do you get four elephants in a Mini?\\
-<br />
+A: Two in the front and two in the back\\
-Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?<br />
-A: Eileen<br />
+Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?\\
-<br />
+A: Four footprints in the butter\\
-Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?<br />
-A: Irene<br />
+Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your fridge?\\
-<br />
+A: Eight footprints in the butter\\
-Q: What's the difference between a chick-pea and a lentil?<br />
-A: I've never had to pay to have a lentil in my mouth<br />
+Q: How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge?\\
-<br />
+A: There's a mini parked on the driveway\\
-A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.<br />
-Doctor says "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You've got Cancer. And you've also got Alzheimer's."<br />
+Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?\\
-The man thinks for a moment and then says "Well at least I don't have Cancer!"<br />
+A: Eileen\\
-<br />
+Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?\\
+A: Irene\\
+Q: What's the difference between a chick-pea and a lentil?\\
+A: I've never had to pay to have a lentil in my mouth\\
+A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.\\
+Doctor says "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You've got Cancer. And you've also got Alzheimer's."\\
+The man thinks for a moment and then says "Well at least I don't have Cancer!"\\
+===== Good expressions =====
+  *  as useful as a chocolate teapot!
+  *  as useful as tits on a bull!
+  *  as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest!
+  *  as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit!
+  *  as mad as a frog in a sock!
+  *  fits like a stocking on a chicken's lip!
+  *  she's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp!
+  *  shaking (or shivering) like a shitting dog!
-======Good expressions======
-  * as much use as a chocolate teapot!
-  * as much use as tits on a bull!
-  * as mad as a frog in a sock!
-  * fits like a stocking on a chicken's lip!
-  * [[she's|got a]] face like a bulldog chewing a wasp!
-  * shaking (or shivering) like a shitting dog!