A farmer walks into the house with a duck under his arm
He goes into the kitchen and says “This is the pig I was telling you about”
His wife looks at him as says “Idiot, that's a duck not a pig”
Farmer says “I was talking to the duck”
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender says “What the fuck's that?”
The frog said “Well it started out as a boil on my ass”
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
So I crashed the car
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot
Q: What's green and wears boots?
A: Grass. I lied about the boots
Q: What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors?
A: A nun with a spear through her head
Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug
Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A: Douglas
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?
A: Bob
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russel
Q: What's the height of pain?
A: Sliding down a razor blade and using your balls as brakes
Q: What's the height of cheek?
A: Pissing through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking how far it went
Q: What's the height of cheek?
A: Crapping through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking for some toilet paper
Q: What do you call a man with a bird of prey on each shoulder doing the cleaning at night?
Hawk kestrel man hoovers in the dark
Q: What's red, sits in the corner and cries?
A: A baby eating razor blades
Q: What's black and white and re(a)d all over?
A: A newspaper
Q: What does a spastic make in metalwork?
A: Friends
Q: What do you call a leper in a bath?
A: Porridge
Q: How do you stop a <insert ethnic minority here!> from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Why do Indian women have a red dot on their forehead?
A: “You're not living next to me (prodding motion)“
Q: What's pink and stands in the corner?
A: A naughty pig
Q: How do you get four elephants in a Mini?
A: Two in the front and two in the back
Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: Four footprints in the butter
Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your fridge?
A: Eight footprints in the butter
Q: How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There's a mini parked on the driveway
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Irene
Q: What's the difference between a chick-pea and a lentil?
A: I've never had to pay to have a lentil in my mouth
A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.
Doctor says “I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You've got Cancer. And you've also got Alzheimer's.”
The man thinks for a moment and then says “Well at least I don't have Cancer!”