Q: What's green and wears boots?<br /> A: Grass. I lied about the boots<br /> <br /> Q: What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors?<br /> A: A nun with a spear through her head<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?<br /> A: Doug<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?<br /> A: Douglas<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?<br /> A: Bob<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?<br /> A: Russel<br /> <br /> Q: What's the height of pain?<br /> A: Sliding down a razor blade and using your bollocks as brakes<br /> <br /> Q: What's the height of cheek?<br /> A: Pissing through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking how far it went<br /> <br /> Q: What's the height of cheek?<br /> A: Crapping through a letterbox then knocking on the door and asking for some toilet paper<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a man with a bird of prey on each shoulder doing the cleaning at night?<br /> Hawk kestrel man hoovers in the dark<br /> <br /> Q: What's red, sits in the corner and cries?<br /> A: A baby eating razor blades<br /> <br /> Q: What's black and white and re(a)d all over?<br /> A: A newspaper<br /> <br /> Q: What does a spastic make in metalwork?<br /> A: Friends<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a leper in a bath?<br /> A: Porridge<br /> <br /> Q: How do you stop a <insert ethnic minority here!> from drowning?<br /> A: Take your foot off his head<br /> <br /> Why do Indian women have a red dot on their forehead?<br /> A: “You're not living next to me (prodding motion)”<br /> <br /> Q: What's pink and stands in the corner?<br /> A: A naughty pig<br /> <br /> Q: How do you get four elephants in a Mini?<br /> A: Two in the front and two in the back<br /> <br /> Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?<br /> A: Four footprints in the butter<br /> <br /> Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your fridge?<br /> A: Eight footprints in the butter<br /> <br /> Q: How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge?<br /> A: There's a mini parked on the driveway<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?<br /> A: Eileen<br /> <br /> Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?<br /> A: Irene<br /> <br /> Q: What's the difference between a chick-pea and a lentil?<br /> A: I've never had to pay to have a lentil in my mouth<br /> <br /> A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.<br /> Doctor says “I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You've got Cancer. And you've also got Alzheimer's.”<br /> The man thinks for a moment and then says “Well at least I don't have Cancer!”<br /> <br />

• as much use as a chocolate teapot!
• as much use as tits on a bull!
• as mad as a frog in a sock!
• fits like a stocking on a chicken's lip!
• got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp!
• shaking (or shivering) like a shitting dog!